baby wisdom

The disparity between what parents would like to do and what they have been led to believe they should do results in diminished self-confidence and distances them from their spontaneous, natural responses. Parents' unspoken feelings of incompetence create tension in their interactions with their babies, and babies can pick up on this. Not only are parents less able to trust their own feelings, but they are also unable to trust their babies' expressions of emotions. And since babies rely on parents to interpret the world for them, this baby may end up not trusting him or herself.

May or May not, a report from the future

This is a look back on the first week of May '08 and the last time in my life I will be childless, also a summary of David dealings up until May '10

May 1st

Marma's Birthday! I go out and pick her 57 dandelions, because I am an amazing daughter :) Also, Will and Colby are in their new apartment!

i know my last weekend of being baby free is upon me so i attempt to live it up as much as possible!

May 2nd

Renn Fayre begins and i help set up karma as usual, Nixon and Darren show up to welcome lil miss, they know it will be soon!

I am so very lucky to have these people, have i mentioned that yet?

we all go out for sushi and i meet Colby and Will's third piece of the triforce, Grant, we continue our night out, we hop bars in their new neighborhood and they drink and i play pool, i am ridiculously Pregnant in my Cherry halter dress and wedge heels! life with these three boys is kinda wonderful.

(life with such great friends renews my sense of joy in life.)

May 3rd/4^th

we plan on watching the renn fayre fireworks, i bring blankets galore but somehow we miss the fireworks and end up playing in the park, Will even pushes me on the swings.

eventually we all end up back at the boys new place, being around all of this happiness makes me wonder how hard post-partum is going to hit me.

i can't manage to sleep, my thoughts are too heavy, my dreams too scary and despite the wonderful company there are no cuddles to be had, so i sneak out of their place around 4 am and make the 2 mile trek home, barefoot and pregnant, picking a dandelion each block of the way, I even stop midway for hot chocolate, I haven’t told anyone but I’m pretty certain contractions have begun for real.

May 4^th proper

I have napped after my trek home, Santini has made me a balloon jesus and a beautiful flower for the soon to arrive little miss.

Mom and Burl pick me up to do some grocery shopping and because I don’t feel I should be alone. i spend the day barefoot and in fairywings! I am sitting on the floor folding baby clothes when my water breaks and it’s off to the hospital.

Amniotic fluid looks like crystallized ferns under a microscope, just thought you should know.

May 5^th

after nearly 24 hours of natural labor a decision is made and I have to have a c section. Darren and Nixon show up in santa’s helpers outfits .

almost exactly one yeaar after meeting her father, NilaJane Abcde is born at 7:29 pm , sunny side up and healthy.


May 8^th

we go home a day early from the hospital, as we are packing to leave I get a phone call, David is also being released from jail.

On the 9^th he will meet his future wife and she’ll get pregnant within the first week of their meeting. David will petition the restraining order and fail to show up to the court hearing about it. Several opportunities to be involved in NilaJane’s life will present themselves and David won’t appear for any of them. NilaJane and David will meet on a bus ride home that December, paternity will be legally established by spring of 09 and David will remain absent from his daughter’s life, later we will find out she has a little brother, 9months younger than her, at least he’s being a daddy to someone.

Living in the future, reporting the past

It is really the late dregs of the night on April 15th 2010 and this is my recollection from the beginning of March until the end of April 2008, i just need it down somewhere and out of my head, maybe it will fill in blanks for those of you who know me.

Spring 2008
much the same throughout the pregnancy David decides about every two weeks he wants to be involved, and then backs out again, lather, rinse, repeat until your hair falls out....

March 1st
The amazing baby shower happens
David insists on being there, i say ok, he makes dramas just prior and does not actually attend. Ann and Sherry are avoiding him so they show up late after hanging out at Starbucks; Ann was supposed to be in charge. Sigh. i am surrounded by so many people i love and adore and who i know adore me, i feel confident in the village i have helping me to raise this baby.
March 10th

Amy moves back to Illinois
March 17th

David gets picked up for a concealed weapon and released being told if he can keep his nose clean for 30 days no charges will be pressed.
March 26th

i narrowly miss being hit by a car; my messenger bag takes the brunt of the injuries
March 29th

We start on Lil Miss's room, let the clouds roll in!
April 7th

Today is all sorts of wrong that i don't tell people about.
A very drunken David shows up at the apartment, we'd arranged to talk previously when he was sober, end result? i have a knife held to my throat by the father of my child, before he will leave he tries to force himself on me, i manage to kick him down the stairs, he leaves. i hope this is the last of things. it is also the last time i'll kiss or have any sort of adult physical contact for almost exactly two years
April 10th

the night terrors and nightmares i expected to show up at some point finally do, they remain with me off and on for about a year, i wake up in a cold sweat and a minute later David sends me a text message threatening to commit suicide.
i call immediately, because that's who i am, i talk him into coming over so i know he won't hurt himself, he paints clouds on Lil Miss's wall, they are violent and i later repaint over them.
April 15th

i talk David into getting some counseling, he seems so optimistic, he says to me- "Only two more days of looking over my shoulder, then we'll have nothing to worry about, I want to be in your life, I want to be Minnow's father, I want to be a good person, a positive influence, most of all, I want to be OK."
April 17th

things still seem to be going well, i have plans to go to the beach for the weekend and take maternity pictures! i even ask David if he will take a few so that lil miss has them for when she is older. he agrees. i tell him i have to be at work then it's off to my parents since we want an early start on the coast, but that i will respond as much as possible to his texts, especially as he is supposed to call the court today to see if they have dropped the charges. sadly my phone dies at work and i am unable to respond, by the time my shift is over and i get home there are dozens of messages that start out fine and then he starts questioning everything, the messages end up psychotic.
David threatens my life and that of my family, i hurry to my mother's, the threats continue, i call nonemergency to let them know about the threats and they tell me to call back if he actually shows up.
He does, the short version is the cops arrive, he pulls a weapon on them, is slammed to the ground and taken away, i watch the whole thing from a window, tears in my eyes, and holding my stomach. this is not how my world is supposed to be.
April 18th

i am forced to file a restraining order, my day at the beach has been ruined, my life is not anything i ever expected it to be, the state presses charges for me. i am not happy. but i press on and let very few people know what has happened.
April 20th

my last day at work before the baby!
April 26th

Sherry returns and accompanies me on my postponed beach trip, i know this has to happen, the baby is due so soon! i have a great time and the pictures turn out wonderfully
End of April

i get Colby as a very temporary housemate, the time we have together is wonderful and does so much good for my head, heart and soul.

Despite all of the David drama and hurt that happened from march until may the big thing that remains with me is how very, very, very lucky i am to have such wonderful and amazing friends in my life, i am so very appreciative of them, even of the ones who have since vanished by the wayside.

Names, Names, Names...

please lemme know your favorites!
and before you ask me what my favorites are please know that there were originally about 150 girl names alone, so me getting it down to, what? about 18 now? that's amazing.
there is a meaning and pronunciation guide at the bottom :)
if you have questions please lemme know i'm good at explaining by now :)

Abcde Ellameno Miranda

Alizabeth Ijena Leor Miranda
Alizabeth James Miranda

Gwendolyn James Miranda

Mable Ijena Leor Miranda

Nila Jane Miranda

Persephone Sedah Miranda


Abcde - (ab sid ee) The beginning (the pronunciation of the letters A,B, C, D and E)
Alizabeth - (ah liz ah beth) Variation of Elizabeth ~to incorporate both betty and al
Ellameno - (EL a MIN oh) A center (the pronunciation of the letters L,M, N and O)
Gwendolyn - (GWEN dah lin) White ring; white bow ~long for wendy
Ijena - (I juh NAY) The Name Janie rearranged ~Janie is my mother's name
James - (JAYMZ) Supplanter ~after J.M. Barrie as well as Captain Hook
Leor - (LAY or) The name Roel inverted ~Roel is my father's name
Mable - (MAY bull) Lovable ~after my great grandmother
Nila - (NYL ah) Blue-throated; blue-necked; cloud; passionate; river ~after my great grandmother
Nila Jane - (NYL ah JAYN) Blue-throated; blue-necked; cloud; passionate; river and God is gracious ~after my great grandmother
Persephone - (per SEF on ee) the Queen of the Underworld; consort of Hades; the Kore; young maiden (the daughter of Demeter and Zeus)
Sedah - (SED ah) Hades inverted

wow

for as wrong as things went i am really glad that last blog captured how david made me feel in the beginning, now here i am half a year later more or less and broken up with him but pregnant with his child...
at least i am able to carry that part of my happiness around.

turning blue

ok so i'm not turning blue, but i do feel like i should be holding my breath anyhow!
seems too good to be true....

vicarious

it's really amazing when you get overwhelmed by someone else's smile, especially when you know that the same can be said of them because your face is literally aching from the happiness they bring out in you.

i have this floating feeling of just pure joy, simple i don't care how long this lasts because dammnit i've at least experienced it joy...

i've just realized that i can smell him on me, that's odd, i'd not thought about the way he might smell, it makes me wonder if maybe it's collin and not him... i don't care though, i smell like a boy, and both of these boys take care of my heart in different ways.
today has just been odd, i wish i could capture it appropriately, but the only thing this blog'll capture right now is the happiness that is still coming outta me from that smile.

big sigh, lots of contentment and no impossible hopes for the future.
Elena

old wounds

today in the mail i got 100 piercing needles...
just before checking the mail my old scars from "trust" started to tingle, it's like it knew more self improving pain was on the way...

life has been unexpectedly good, i am work work working, as well as doing a lot of art. my head seems to have made it above water financially, and that feels amazing, sure i'm not debt free but i'm also not afraid of any of it.

i've been saving my lil pennies up and have managed to make it possible to visit new york and see a hopefully amazing van gogh exhibit while i'm there, may it seems will be a beautiful month for me. i have my mom's birthday to look forward to, i'll be working at reed for thesis week (something as a workaholic i always enjoy), off to new york then on to rhode island, back home to an empty house that will be ready to be turned into an arts and crafts haven for yours truly....

when i get home again i'll start saving my pennies for a passport and a trip to Scotland, and with summer time rapidly approaching the tip jar ought to fill that dream quickly!

i keep wondering when i'll wake up from this content feeling, and when i wake up will there be some one next to me? cause really that's all this life seems to be missing, but maybe i have finally figured out this independent happiness thing. who would have ever figured?

SG 1-29-07

friday my phone got run over by the bus... i was sad, i'm still sad... so it's very possible that i've lost your number, so if you can please send me a message with your # it'd be wonderful! luckily the run over phone still charges it's battery though, cause a few months ago i tried to replace that phone with one of the same model i'd gotten off ebay, which doesn't charge! things although ghetto work out i guess.

a little under a half hour ago i slipped on my stairs... i think i may be getting a nasty bruise on my hip from it, we'll see how that goes, if nothing else it sure does hurt, but at least nothings broken.
being an optimist sucks, but hey i look forward to the obvious positive things that have to start coming my way this week, right?

i'll try and come up with a decent summary of what i've been up to the last two months, or even since september  since it looks like i've been kinda quiet.

hope you all had good weekends!

ps

if you'll be in pdx on the 10th of february please let me know, cause i'm having a soiree!

E$

ouchies

my hands are sore and red, they are tender, cracked and bleeding....
it literally makes working on xmas stuff a pain, but i must trudge forward and i'll do so while wearing this smile i found in a mud puddle...

at least i'm wearing one right?

i think i'll update some more later, for now i just wanted to say ow....
i hurt.....

E

SG 11-24-06

in about four days i go grey...
how do i feel about it?
part of me is excited, part of me wants to wait til february, and part of me doesn't care as long as i'm not paying for sg.....

in other news, on my last journal someone asked me for a sock buddha, well i made one, and i think i like it 


but no one else seemed to say "hey elena, i would really love a sock creature from you... "
come on guys!
i'm doing sock things, journals, maybe a few clocks, or blankets or pillowa and other hand/ home made or redecorated items this year for the holidays, if there's something you want please speak up, cause i won't know if you don't! no request is to bizarre! but i'll be honest if i think it's beyond me 

thanksgiving was good i spent it at and am still at my dad's it was nice, and humorous....
hopefully my husband ann will be moving into the apartment over the next week or so, that'll be nice...

what else? oh! i'm gonna go visit Neil the last week of the year down in cali, i'm super excited about that and keep wondering if it's time to go yet!

life's just been life, i dunno what to say except tell me what you want! what didn't you ever get as a kid that would have made life happier?

next sock mission? maybe a sock cathulu  i like being creative with these sorta things, so challenge and inspire me!


love to you all!
E$

ps go wish nixon a friggin happy birthday, not only is she sexy and beautiful she's fucking intelligent and amazing on so many different levels it'd prolly blow your mind!

SG11-16-06

what have i done with my last two days off?

i've made sock rabbits!
that's right people, sock rabbits!



this year it's a home made xmas! 
so get in your requests and if i think you deserve a present i might make you something... 

no they aren't all gonna be stuffed aminals, i'm also working on journals, maybe a few clocks or some other random artwork,who knows maybe even pajamas....
i don't wanna toot my own horn or anthing, but i'm pretty crafty 

in lyric land today i have to say thanks coldplay...

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung or do
Something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung or do
Something that's never been done, do
Something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk 

oh and go wish boosy(kevin) a friggin happy birthday!
not only is he my favorite suicide boy, he's just plain awesome and wonderful and loves hippos, andhis bandis pretty friggin awesome as well...
so yeah go give him some mad love!

E...
still feeling a little short and stout...

SG 11-15-06

days like today i remember i am a broken teapot glued back together from being broken too many times...

is it love that holds me together or just sheer will?
maybe it's some other sticky substance and that's why i keep falling apart...
at least i'm still a teapot and not a mosaic stepping stone....
well somedays i do feel like that stepping stone too...

yeah, it's time for bed, maybe the next three days off will help get me back together again...
no where'd i put that cocoa?
and where are my swings when i really need them?
is it christmas yet?

E
more manic than you know.

SG 11-14-06

you know what's absolutely lovely?

being able to sit on a futon in your living room, drinking hotchocolate with rumplemintz, watching harold and maude and checking your internets all at once... i can EVEN fall asleep in my living room and actually be COMFORTABLE again.....
doing these things with a companion would be lovlier, but hey i'm content enough for now 

any how, i am doing all of these lovely things, after having watched "Short Bus" the new john cameron mitchell flick, it was exactly what i needed and at the perfect time to boot!

the last week was definitely a whirlwind of activity thanx in part to mister brown, i forgot how exhausting being social was!

i think my brain just decided it was time for bed! so i'm off to finish my hot chocolate, and fall asleep to harold and maude... good times, good times!

E$

SG 11-3-06

dear portland hoodie fairy......

you're amazing!

hearts!
Elena


i went and bought a bright ass shoot me red warm fleece hoodie today, even got my name on the back, it was hard to resist the old english!

this is me being happy in said hoodie



when i got home today from buying that lovely red hoodie there was a bag on my doorstep, the note only said enjoy.....

in the bag?

two more hoodies!
one grey with hippo written across the back, the other brown with monki on the back....

i guess someone else loves me and wants me to be warm this winter!
thanks stranger!
E

ps

what do you kids think, do either of these need a tail or ears???

pss Corregan arrives tomorrow!!!!

SG 11-2-06

now for a weird topic, some of you may already know this but

Syphilis is my favorite std !

do you have a favorite?

love elena

ps herpes is my second favorite 

SG 11-01-06

i hope you all had a wonderful halloween/ halloweekends!

i know my weekend was wonderful!

muchas smooches !
Elena

Sharpie Fumes Make You See Stars

i am often amazed at my own personal growth, at least i am when it is finally obvious... it feels like i marked it on a kids chart next to that chubby, mischievous monkey(i prolly even was on my tippy toes knowing me), and now i'm up to the giraffe who's silly and wearing a scarf...i really have learned a lot this last year on how to be happy or rather how to be genuinely happy. i've always been pretty good about keeping up that happy appearance, the cheerful martyr it would seem at times. I've spent a great deal of time teaching myself to be greedy, and comfortable with it, to put my needs and wants first and actually mean it with out hurting too many others in the process. i know i am still very much an altruistic person though, that i can never change about myself regardless of how much i try or get hurt. i think some days i must have the heart of a lizard, as it keeps regenerating those lost and broken off pieces, i guess it's just a cycle, like everything else in life. i have to be honest though, it still hurts when those pieces go missing or do break, i think with all of this happiness it probably hurts more. it's odd to think that after all of those years of telling other people not only to live life and acknowledge their real feelings but telling them how to as well, that i am finally learning how to feel my own. it's like i've been reading the same book for 20+ years and i could tell you everything about it, but it is only now that i really understand what has been coming out of my mouth so instinctually this whole time, damn i'm gonna miss being a Vulcan!
in other news, i've been diligently working on a mix involving "stars" and thanks to this hard work i got super inspired and motivated and now i have amazing shoes, i just need to find amazing laces for them!

SG 10-23-06

does it make me a bad person that i laugh at the unfortunate advertisement decisions of others?

UTI
Make your passion your life


in other news :

i'm only on call this week at work, however in the next week or two i should be going to (possibly) full time with a small raise, the paycheck inbetween will be pitiful but atleast i know i have rent taken care of right?

placebo and she wants revenge will be here wednesday, and i forgot to get tickets before they sold them all!
lame!

friday Neil will be back to visit again! i look forward too mucho cuddles and awkward but fantastic conversation!

i doubt i will do anything haloweeny this year, i am just not feeling it, how odd....

ummmm what else?

i think that Lysa and i are trying to get some girly girls together to go dancing at the Eroom sometime soon, and we both have agreed that our lovely pdx needs some sorta weekly thing again! it really makes the rainy season fly by when you have warm spirits to help you through!

i think that is all!
oh! and expect some going outness in early-mid november, as mister Corregan will be gracing us with his presence!


loves and cuddles!
E

Must be this tall to ride!

today was up and down and everywhere inbetween, It really is a Mad World ...

so yeah here's a lil peek into part of my day...
there's a boy i've been crushing on the last few months, just a fun i like you but i think i like liking you more than i actually have real big kid feelings for you sorta crush... anyhow i think he almost called my shitout tonight, well that's how i'm looking at it i guess... here's the story:

last night he went out and had some fun, when i asked him how his night was he said he had a good time and couldn't remember most of it, and knowing him that meant he really did have a good time, so i just razzed him about his bad habits and that was the end of me asking about his night i'd assumed.
later on i walk in mid conversation about what really happened, i ignore most of it and continue working, butgive him shit later about how i just get "ohh i had a good time" where a boy gets "oh man...... fill in theblanks", he just smiles his devlish smile and goes "well you know, you're a lady!", i laughed and told him it hurt he could tell his boys but not me! (we talk all sortsa mad shit to eachother by the way) he blamed it on "the breasts", i laughed and asked which pair as i was wearing a shirt with some other girl's lovliness proudly displayed, again just a smile, i told him fine maybe i should just take off the shirt, a few dimples and smirks later we went back to work....
later i finally get the story out of him ,it started out like this though...

HIM: well i woulda told you, but i didn't want to offend you!
ME: OFFEND me? i'm offended you didn't tell me! shit like i get offended!
HIM: yeah well, sometimes if people like you they don't wanna hear about the shit you do with other people...
ME: oh so you were worried about hurting my feelings! i see i see! now tell the dammned story!

he blabs and smiles alot and blushes and i was genuinely happy for him, that's just how i am though!
but i dunno if that was supposed to be the moment when i shoulda said somehting like ~what are you talking about liking you?!?!~ or ~oh so you think i like you huh?~ or just something other than what i did say to get on to the story. i don't care if the boy knows, hell it'd make life easier for my oddly shy ass, but it's kinda fun being a bumbling girl ;)

so yeah other shit happened, some VERY grrish, some cool, some confusing and some of it was just me being a bratty girl and enjoying the role... but it's definitely been a very up and down day!

love to you all
E