Sharpie Fumes Make You See Stars

i am often amazed at my own personal growth, at least i am when it is finally obvious... it feels like i marked it on a kids chart next to that chubby, mischievous monkey(i prolly even was on my tippy toes knowing me), and now i'm up to the giraffe who's silly and wearing a scarf...i really have learned a lot this last year on how to be happy or rather how to be genuinely happy. i've always been pretty good about keeping up that happy appearance, the cheerful martyr it would seem at times. I've spent a great deal of time teaching myself to be greedy, and comfortable with it, to put my needs and wants first and actually mean it with out hurting too many others in the process. i know i am still very much an altruistic person though, that i can never change about myself regardless of how much i try or get hurt. i think some days i must have the heart of a lizard, as it keeps regenerating those lost and broken off pieces, i guess it's just a cycle, like everything else in life. i have to be honest though, it still hurts when those pieces go missing or do break, i think with all of this happiness it probably hurts more. it's odd to think that after all of those years of telling other people not only to live life and acknowledge their real feelings but telling them how to as well, that i am finally learning how to feel my own. it's like i've been reading the same book for 20+ years and i could tell you everything about it, but it is only now that i really understand what has been coming out of my mouth so instinctually this whole time, damn i'm gonna miss being a Vulcan!
in other news, i've been diligently working on a mix involving "stars" and thanks to this hard work i got super inspired and motivated and now i have amazing shoes, i just need to find amazing laces for them!

SG 10-23-06

does it make me a bad person that i laugh at the unfortunate advertisement decisions of others?

UTI
Make your passion your life


in other news :

i'm only on call this week at work, however in the next week or two i should be going to (possibly) full time with a small raise, the paycheck inbetween will be pitiful but atleast i know i have rent taken care of right?

placebo and she wants revenge will be here wednesday, and i forgot to get tickets before they sold them all!
lame!

friday Neil will be back to visit again! i look forward too mucho cuddles and awkward but fantastic conversation!

i doubt i will do anything haloweeny this year, i am just not feeling it, how odd....

ummmm what else?

i think that Lysa and i are trying to get some girly girls together to go dancing at the Eroom sometime soon, and we both have agreed that our lovely pdx needs some sorta weekly thing again! it really makes the rainy season fly by when you have warm spirits to help you through!

i think that is all!
oh! and expect some going outness in early-mid november, as mister Corregan will be gracing us with his presence!


loves and cuddles!
E

Must be this tall to ride!

today was up and down and everywhere inbetween, It really is a Mad World ...

so yeah here's a lil peek into part of my day...
there's a boy i've been crushing on the last few months, just a fun i like you but i think i like liking you more than i actually have real big kid feelings for you sorta crush... anyhow i think he almost called my shitout tonight, well that's how i'm looking at it i guess... here's the story:

last night he went out and had some fun, when i asked him how his night was he said he had a good time and couldn't remember most of it, and knowing him that meant he really did have a good time, so i just razzed him about his bad habits and that was the end of me asking about his night i'd assumed.
later on i walk in mid conversation about what really happened, i ignore most of it and continue working, butgive him shit later about how i just get "ohh i had a good time" where a boy gets "oh man...... fill in theblanks", he just smiles his devlish smile and goes "well you know, you're a lady!", i laughed and told him it hurt he could tell his boys but not me! (we talk all sortsa mad shit to eachother by the way) he blamed it on "the breasts", i laughed and asked which pair as i was wearing a shirt with some other girl's lovliness proudly displayed, again just a smile, i told him fine maybe i should just take off the shirt, a few dimples and smirks later we went back to work....
later i finally get the story out of him ,it started out like this though...

HIM: well i woulda told you, but i didn't want to offend you!
ME: OFFEND me? i'm offended you didn't tell me! shit like i get offended!
HIM: yeah well, sometimes if people like you they don't wanna hear about the shit you do with other people...
ME: oh so you were worried about hurting my feelings! i see i see! now tell the dammned story!

he blabs and smiles alot and blushes and i was genuinely happy for him, that's just how i am though!
but i dunno if that was supposed to be the moment when i shoulda said somehting like ~what are you talking about liking you?!?!~ or ~oh so you think i like you huh?~ or just something other than what i did say to get on to the story. i don't care if the boy knows, hell it'd make life easier for my oddly shy ass, but it's kinda fun being a bumbling girl ;)

so yeah other shit happened, some VERY grrish, some cool, some confusing and some of it was just me being a bratty girl and enjoying the role... but it's definitely been a very up and down day!

love to you all
E

SG 10-21-06

so wrong....

SG 10-19-06

i have been really really good about not dying or cutting my hair the last few months... 
earlier this week i almost shaved my head instead though i did this (links to this blogger)

tonight i am staying outta the bathroom where the scissors and bleach are hiding... i found this pic


and it has me wanting to chop most of my hair off and go platinum...

i guess i just hafta remember the joys of pigtails in moments like these!

Looking Inside

Warning! Rambling ahead!

it seems as if i've been very thoughtful and reflective the past few weeks, since turning 25 really... i am some where in between happy and lonely, it's a hard balance to work out.... but some how i'm managing to , if only just barely...

i've been listening to a lot of music since coming home from The Dresden Dolls show the other night, ah what a good show it was, though i could barely stand the audience. it made me miss being at Dante's for their first portland concert, there i was with maybe 20 other people, some of them such very close friends... ahhh nostalgia.. how it hurts and feels so good, i guess that's just more of that balance thing eh?
ok, ok, back to the music... i've been trying to really absorb a lot of new (to me) stuff, just sorta cram it into my soul and hope it fills what ever holes there may be that need filling. some songs just make me ache on the inside, but they give me that feeling of crying with out having to actually do it myself... some of them make me want to sing just so i know i'm alive. one or two of them make me want to just move my body and dance until my knees give way....

all of this has me exhausted physically and besides giving me a fuzzy day dreamers head i'm doing quite well emotionally... if i could keep my head out of the clouds maybe i wouldn't keep losing things, so far since turning 25 i have lost a set of keys and a bus pass, when i'm not completely losing things i'm just misplacing them for odd amounts of time things that are important like my ID, or my glasses (they were missing for a day!) or the other set of keys...
just whatever i can lose it seems i am....
maybe if i wasn't so busy looking for myself then i'd be more observant of these things...
i guess the good thing about self reflection is that while looking inside of myself i have been drawing the outside half... i am very happy with what my wonderful hands have managed to come up with so far! If all else fails this self doodling has very certainly helped me to really cut back on my narcissistic tendency to peek and peer and sometimes just stare at myself in bus windows and the reflections of rainy day shop displays...
i guess i am always looking for my other half... but alas i feel as if i am a scratched and broken record doomed to repeat myself....
but i suppose it is for this feeling that i have the playgrounds and swings to keep from really worrying where that other half is... it's nice to know that the playground will always make life a little more manageable; like it's not quite the end of the world....
E