really?

wow 2 years.

to be fair i haven't really put anything major down anywhere. small but constant updates on twitter and facebook seem to have sustained me.

long (or random) text message conversations seem to help.

i could write about the little miss, i can always talk about her, she does so much every day and every week and but to non parenty types i don't want to talk about her too much.

i guess, until lately, nothing really seems to happen outside of her part of my world.

so, why am i back here?

1)a friend asked about tattoos in his blog, i didn't know where to write about it. i put it out of my head. i thought about this place because we passed some empty swing-sets the other day in the rain. it seemed so appropriate. then today in the wonderful sun TRUST started to glint through again, so i figured i'd write about that as my way back into all of this.

2) my brain keeps bringing up memories from what was going on two years ago, such a life changing few months, and some important ones i never wrote about.

3)because i need someplace outside of my head and phone to exist.

i'm going to back date a few posts, just to fill in blanks, one about spring 08, one about may and david , the others will be a bunch of small, but significant events from the last two years

winter to winter and a little bit of spring 2009 and 2010

Winter 09

Sherry gets kicked out of my mother’s house
and eventually starts seeing an older man,

his daughter is our age.

I get in one visit with Fawn
still no contact with Ann.
NilaJane wows the doctor by saying OK

when he asks to examine her!
We attend Coraline with Kas and Lysa,
all four of us sporting polka dots and stripes!

Lil Miss eats her first strawberry

and has her first lemon.

She rocks out to NIN rockabye baby style,

and we both rock our fake mustaches

with mucho gusto!

Grant comes over on St Patrick’s Day,
promising to bring Boondock Saints with him,
he fails and we watch Secret of Roan Inish instead

I have successfully returned to school
in hopes of someday becoming a nurse.

Spring 09

I begin taking ASL classes
NilaJane’s signing gets better and better
lil miss is an Easter dinosaur
and takes her first STEP before her birthday,

Minnow turns 1
and we have
2 fiestas to celebrate!

we frolic at the beach

and NilaJane gets her 1st

Tillamook

ice-cream cone!

We also have some good times berry picking!

Lil Miss and Atticus meet!

the next week we see the b52s in the pouring rain

summer 09

we go watch miss Lysa roller skate, next day the walking begins!talk about inspired!

Lil Miss experiences sushi for the first time,

Amanda palmer eats NilaJane’s face,

We pick blueberries

and soon lil miss begins roller-skating.
We play in rivers and eat frog legs.

we take DNA tests that prove David is her father

...

still no contact.

We go on a photo walk

and I take first place for our section,

Lysa is my muse.

I get my identity stolen, but eventually things get straightened out

Fall 09
we take the train to Seattle for a visit;

this is a first for us both!

We explore enchanted forest and i turn 28!

dress lil miss up as a crocodile
and attend Where The Wild Things Are,
lil miss howls in her sleep during the movie.
I’ve figured out costumes,

Lil miss is a goldfish for Halloween

i am a lobster,

i run into David on my way to school,

has a stroller with him,

little miss has a little brother

exactly 9 months younger than her....

NilaJane's 2nd funeral... Grandma GIGI passed on

Corregan comes for another visit!

Trinity turns one!

Colby decides he’s moving to Alaska!

We get to celebrate Atti’s first birthday with him!
NilaJane creates her 1st Master Piece!

Lynda cancels Christmas.
winter 09/10

Papa Roi hurts his knee and is diagnosed with diabetes,

Kassie and Lysa spend Christmas with us,

and NilaJane is really into it!

I spend new year’s without lil miss and partying at the new deal distillery.

Colby leaves for Alaska.

I run into David again on the bus,his wife makes contact with me, she asks if we’re having an affair! We’re not.

Lysa takes us to Seattle where NilaJane falls in love with Cthulhu!

NilaJane gets her very 1st
piece of personal mail
and her 1st pet,

his name is Hennessey, he’s a fish!

school had been going well but in February it gets a little rocky, Around valentines day there is family drama and potential David drama,

we survive all of the drama and i'm still in school. The cousins move within walking distance and burl stops watching NilaJane.

Grandma Kate seems to be in the last stages of life.

catching up on the rest of 08

May 08

Everyone, who can, visits us, emotions are up and down, within two weeks of my c-section I have lost 30lbs and get my staples removed, the next day we go to court about David contesting the restraining order, he doesn’t bother to show up.

The lovely Miss Kassie visits us and we have a wonderful time on our first real outing as well as our first trip to the zoo!

My friend Kevin, from Scotland comes for a visit next,

Adam is in town that week too.

NilaJane experiences her first rain and fireworks, I earn my Portland mommy badge by breastfeeding on the MAX,

we pick up Sherry from the airport and there is another trip to the zoo

June 08

I finally put my *ting* back in, they’d made me remove it before the C-section, Ann gets me out of the house for the first time without the baby, I get all dolled up and am even allowed a drink! I make an ex boyfriend cry, unintentionally, I guess me having someone else’s baby is kind of heart breaking.

18^th we trek down to the coast to introduce Lil Miss to Grumpa, and to say our goodbyes,

this hurts so bad. I hold his hand as he fades

and I spend the day on the beach talking to his ocean. He passes away on the 20^th

27^th this is the last day I see Ann, I still don’t know what happened. Between Grumpa passing and Ann just sorta disappearing from my life the post-partum starts to set in and I start gaining back all the weight I’d lost up til now

28^th I go back to work at the café

I need a swing set bad, I can feel the sadness creeping in all around me, luckily I find out the Moby is super swing friendly, maybe this will save some of my sanity

July 08

We go down to Medford for Grumpa’s memorial, it is good to be amongst so much family, but my depression continues and by the middle of the month I have gained back every bit of weight I managed to lose.
I find out a credit card I thought I had cancelled in 2003 has been collecting fees and has gone from 0dollars to 2000 because of it. Sigh…
NilaJane and I attend a fantasy blade battle party, getting wenched out is a great feeling :)

August 08

I decide “Leaving all the boys in my past, it's friends or nothing fellas”. Basically if we’ve had something previously there won’t be anything again, as of April 2010 I have stuck to this decision.

15^th we run into David on the hottest day of the year, he doesn’t say anything, just walks away; I am left shaking with hurt and anger.

September 08

Hours are virtually nonexistent at the café
Corregan meets Lil miss and I meet Nhadyne! She is lovely!
I wait til After Corregan leaves town, then I get the restraining order against David modified to a no offensive contact order, hoping he’ll get involved in lil miss’s life.

she’s already begun

rolling

and crawling

and jumping

and feeding herself

as well as teething.

Somebody forgot to tell her she's only four months old.

Shit goes down with S and B and K and my head and heart hurt from it all. Speaking of drama a week before my birthday both fawn and Ann unfriend me on MySpace, ouch.

I spend my birthday week doing a lot of fun things, including going to sushi with the gang and a few movies! I even get to go alone with a guy I really like, we are almost completely silent with each other, I don’t know how not to like him though. i end up at work on my birthday, it ends up being the last day I’ll work at the café. This is not a happy thing.

October 08

For some reason burl spends the week around his birthday in new york.

I have a few unsuccessful job interviews this month and Lil miss begins to start signing.

NilaJane attends her first concert, it is a blast despite David not showing up, or prolly even because he didn’t. jasmine and I re-spark our ever changing friendship and I find out that Sherry will be moving in with my mom and burl at the end of the month

Lysa and I take NilaJane to the punkin patch in her skunk costume,

NilaJane is batgirl for Halloween,

I am Poison Ivy

and Lysa is cat woman,

we are such a happy trio

November 08

Jasmine gives birth to little miss trinity on Cliff’s birthday,

president Obama is elected and NilaJane is 6 months old.

We visit Stonehenge at the maryhill museum

and I begin knitting an octopus.

I end up breaking the new neighbors nose when he assaults his girlfriend on my porch, this violence doesn’t help all the pent up whatever I have going on, and the boy from the movies? He’s still frustrating me with mixed signals!

I get new glasses and register for winter college classes, thanksgiving is a stressful mess

December 08

I start the child support process and get the ball rolling on establishing paternity,

lil miss meets David for the first (and so far only) time on a bus ride home.

there is a full moon and NilaJane eats her first snow flake.

The snow tries to ruin Christmas

but family vetoes the veto!

NilaJane and i spend new year’s with Jasmine,

of all people, and her two little ones.

life runs in circles.

baby wisdom

The disparity between what parents would like to do and what they have been led to believe they should do results in diminished self-confidence and distances them from their spontaneous, natural responses. Parents' unspoken feelings of incompetence create tension in their interactions with their babies, and babies can pick up on this. Not only are parents less able to trust their own feelings, but they are also unable to trust their babies' expressions of emotions. And since babies rely on parents to interpret the world for them, this baby may end up not trusting him or herself.

May or May not, a report from the future

This is a look back on the first week of May '08 and the last time in my life I will be childless, also a summary of David dealings up until May '10

May 1st

Marma's Birthday! I go out and pick her 57 dandelions, because I am an amazing daughter :) Also, Will and Colby are in their new apartment!

i know my last weekend of being baby free is upon me so i attempt to live it up as much as possible!

May 2nd

Renn Fayre begins and i help set up karma as usual, Nixon and Darren show up to welcome lil miss, they know it will be soon!

I am so very lucky to have these people, have i mentioned that yet?

we all go out for sushi and i meet Colby and Will's third piece of the triforce, Grant, we continue our night out, we hop bars in their new neighborhood and they drink and i play pool, i am ridiculously Pregnant in my Cherry halter dress and wedge heels! life with these three boys is kinda wonderful.

(life with such great friends renews my sense of joy in life.)

May 3rd/4^th

we plan on watching the renn fayre fireworks, i bring blankets galore but somehow we miss the fireworks and end up playing in the park, Will even pushes me on the swings.

eventually we all end up back at the boys new place, being around all of this happiness makes me wonder how hard post-partum is going to hit me.

i can't manage to sleep, my thoughts are too heavy, my dreams too scary and despite the wonderful company there are no cuddles to be had, so i sneak out of their place around 4 am and make the 2 mile trek home, barefoot and pregnant, picking a dandelion each block of the way, I even stop midway for hot chocolate, I haven’t told anyone but I’m pretty certain contractions have begun for real.

May 4^th proper

I have napped after my trek home, Santini has made me a balloon jesus and a beautiful flower for the soon to arrive little miss.

Mom and Burl pick me up to do some grocery shopping and because I don’t feel I should be alone. i spend the day barefoot and in fairywings! I am sitting on the floor folding baby clothes when my water breaks and it’s off to the hospital.

Amniotic fluid looks like crystallized ferns under a microscope, just thought you should know.

May 5^th

after nearly 24 hours of natural labor a decision is made and I have to have a c section. Darren and Nixon show up in santa’s helpers outfits .

almost exactly one yeaar after meeting her father, NilaJane Abcde is born at 7:29 pm , sunny side up and healthy.


May 8^th

we go home a day early from the hospital, as we are packing to leave I get a phone call, David is also being released from jail.

On the 9^th he will meet his future wife and she’ll get pregnant within the first week of their meeting. David will petition the restraining order and fail to show up to the court hearing about it. Several opportunities to be involved in NilaJane’s life will present themselves and David won’t appear for any of them. NilaJane and David will meet on a bus ride home that December, paternity will be legally established by spring of 09 and David will remain absent from his daughter’s life, later we will find out she has a little brother, 9months younger than her, at least he’s being a daddy to someone.

Living in the future, reporting the past

It is really the late dregs of the night on April 15th 2010 and this is my recollection from the beginning of March until the end of April 2008, i just need it down somewhere and out of my head, maybe it will fill in blanks for those of you who know me.

Spring 2008
much the same throughout the pregnancy David decides about every two weeks he wants to be involved, and then backs out again, lather, rinse, repeat until your hair falls out....

March 1st
The amazing baby shower happens
David insists on being there, i say ok, he makes dramas just prior and does not actually attend. Ann and Sherry are avoiding him so they show up late after hanging out at Starbucks; Ann was supposed to be in charge. Sigh. i am surrounded by so many people i love and adore and who i know adore me, i feel confident in the village i have helping me to raise this baby.
March 10th

Amy moves back to Illinois
March 17th

David gets picked up for a concealed weapon and released being told if he can keep his nose clean for 30 days no charges will be pressed.
March 26th

i narrowly miss being hit by a car; my messenger bag takes the brunt of the injuries
March 29th

We start on Lil Miss's room, let the clouds roll in!
April 7th

Today is all sorts of wrong that i don't tell people about.
A very drunken David shows up at the apartment, we'd arranged to talk previously when he was sober, end result? i have a knife held to my throat by the father of my child, before he will leave he tries to force himself on me, i manage to kick him down the stairs, he leaves. i hope this is the last of things. it is also the last time i'll kiss or have any sort of adult physical contact for almost exactly two years
April 10th

the night terrors and nightmares i expected to show up at some point finally do, they remain with me off and on for about a year, i wake up in a cold sweat and a minute later David sends me a text message threatening to commit suicide.
i call immediately, because that's who i am, i talk him into coming over so i know he won't hurt himself, he paints clouds on Lil Miss's wall, they are violent and i later repaint over them.
April 15th

i talk David into getting some counseling, he seems so optimistic, he says to me- "Only two more days of looking over my shoulder, then we'll have nothing to worry about, I want to be in your life, I want to be Minnow's father, I want to be a good person, a positive influence, most of all, I want to be OK."
April 17th

things still seem to be going well, i have plans to go to the beach for the weekend and take maternity pictures! i even ask David if he will take a few so that lil miss has them for when she is older. he agrees. i tell him i have to be at work then it's off to my parents since we want an early start on the coast, but that i will respond as much as possible to his texts, especially as he is supposed to call the court today to see if they have dropped the charges. sadly my phone dies at work and i am unable to respond, by the time my shift is over and i get home there are dozens of messages that start out fine and then he starts questioning everything, the messages end up psychotic.
David threatens my life and that of my family, i hurry to my mother's, the threats continue, i call nonemergency to let them know about the threats and they tell me to call back if he actually shows up.
He does, the short version is the cops arrive, he pulls a weapon on them, is slammed to the ground and taken away, i watch the whole thing from a window, tears in my eyes, and holding my stomach. this is not how my world is supposed to be.
April 18th

i am forced to file a restraining order, my day at the beach has been ruined, my life is not anything i ever expected it to be, the state presses charges for me. i am not happy. but i press on and let very few people know what has happened.
April 20th

my last day at work before the baby!
April 26th

Sherry returns and accompanies me on my postponed beach trip, i know this has to happen, the baby is due so soon! i have a great time and the pictures turn out wonderfully
End of April

i get Colby as a very temporary housemate, the time we have together is wonderful and does so much good for my head, heart and soul.

Despite all of the David drama and hurt that happened from march until may the big thing that remains with me is how very, very, very lucky i am to have such wonderful and amazing friends in my life, i am so very appreciative of them, even of the ones who have since vanished by the wayside.

Names, Names, Names...

please lemme know your favorites!
and before you ask me what my favorites are please know that there were originally about 150 girl names alone, so me getting it down to, what? about 18 now? that's amazing.
there is a meaning and pronunciation guide at the bottom :)
if you have questions please lemme know i'm good at explaining by now :)

Abcde Ellameno Miranda

Alizabeth Ijena Leor Miranda
Alizabeth James Miranda

Gwendolyn James Miranda

Mable Ijena Leor Miranda

Nila Jane Miranda

Persephone Sedah Miranda


Abcde - (ab sid ee) The beginning (the pronunciation of the letters A,B, C, D and E)
Alizabeth - (ah liz ah beth) Variation of Elizabeth ~to incorporate both betty and al
Ellameno - (EL a MIN oh) A center (the pronunciation of the letters L,M, N and O)
Gwendolyn - (GWEN dah lin) White ring; white bow ~long for wendy
Ijena - (I juh NAY) The Name Janie rearranged ~Janie is my mother's name
James - (JAYMZ) Supplanter ~after J.M. Barrie as well as Captain Hook
Leor - (LAY or) The name Roel inverted ~Roel is my father's name
Mable - (MAY bull) Lovable ~after my great grandmother
Nila - (NYL ah) Blue-throated; blue-necked; cloud; passionate; river ~after my great grandmother
Nila Jane - (NYL ah JAYN) Blue-throated; blue-necked; cloud; passionate; river and God is gracious ~after my great grandmother
Persephone - (per SEF on ee) the Queen of the Underworld; consort of Hades; the Kore; young maiden (the daughter of Demeter and Zeus)
Sedah - (SED ah) Hades inverted

wow

for as wrong as things went i am really glad that last blog captured how david made me feel in the beginning, now here i am half a year later more or less and broken up with him but pregnant with his child...
at least i am able to carry that part of my happiness around.