baby wisdom

The disparity between what parents would like to do and what they have been led to believe they should do results in diminished self-confidence and distances them from their spontaneous, natural responses. Parents' unspoken feelings of incompetence create tension in their interactions with their babies, and babies can pick up on this. Not only are parents less able to trust their own feelings, but they are also unable to trust their babies' expressions of emotions. And since babies rely on parents to interpret the world for them, this baby may end up not trusting him or herself.

May or May not, a report from the future

This is a look back on the first week of May '08 and the last time in my life I will be childless, also a summary of David dealings up until May '10

May 1st

Marma's Birthday! I go out and pick her 57 dandelions, because I am an amazing daughter :) Also, Will and Colby are in their new apartment!

i know my last weekend of being baby free is upon me so i attempt to live it up as much as possible!

May 2nd

Renn Fayre begins and i help set up karma as usual, Nixon and Darren show up to welcome lil miss, they know it will be soon!

I am so very lucky to have these people, have i mentioned that yet?

we all go out for sushi and i meet Colby and Will's third piece of the triforce, Grant, we continue our night out, we hop bars in their new neighborhood and they drink and i play pool, i am ridiculously Pregnant in my Cherry halter dress and wedge heels! life with these three boys is kinda wonderful.

(life with such great friends renews my sense of joy in life.)

May 3rd/4^th

we plan on watching the renn fayre fireworks, i bring blankets galore but somehow we miss the fireworks and end up playing in the park, Will even pushes me on the swings.

eventually we all end up back at the boys new place, being around all of this happiness makes me wonder how hard post-partum is going to hit me.

i can't manage to sleep, my thoughts are too heavy, my dreams too scary and despite the wonderful company there are no cuddles to be had, so i sneak out of their place around 4 am and make the 2 mile trek home, barefoot and pregnant, picking a dandelion each block of the way, I even stop midway for hot chocolate, I haven’t told anyone but I’m pretty certain contractions have begun for real.

May 4^th proper

I have napped after my trek home, Santini has made me a balloon jesus and a beautiful flower for the soon to arrive little miss.

Mom and Burl pick me up to do some grocery shopping and because I don’t feel I should be alone. i spend the day barefoot and in fairywings! I am sitting on the floor folding baby clothes when my water breaks and it’s off to the hospital.

Amniotic fluid looks like crystallized ferns under a microscope, just thought you should know.

May 5^th

after nearly 24 hours of natural labor a decision is made and I have to have a c section. Darren and Nixon show up in santa’s helpers outfits .

almost exactly one yeaar after meeting her father, NilaJane Abcde is born at 7:29 pm , sunny side up and healthy.


May 8^th

we go home a day early from the hospital, as we are packing to leave I get a phone call, David is also being released from jail.

On the 9^th he will meet his future wife and she’ll get pregnant within the first week of their meeting. David will petition the restraining order and fail to show up to the court hearing about it. Several opportunities to be involved in NilaJane’s life will present themselves and David won’t appear for any of them. NilaJane and David will meet on a bus ride home that December, paternity will be legally established by spring of 09 and David will remain absent from his daughter’s life, later we will find out she has a little brother, 9months younger than her, at least he’s being a daddy to someone.

Living in the future, reporting the past

It is really the late dregs of the night on April 15th 2010 and this is my recollection from the beginning of March until the end of April 2008, i just need it down somewhere and out of my head, maybe it will fill in blanks for those of you who know me.

Spring 2008
much the same throughout the pregnancy David decides about every two weeks he wants to be involved, and then backs out again, lather, rinse, repeat until your hair falls out....

March 1st
The amazing baby shower happens
David insists on being there, i say ok, he makes dramas just prior and does not actually attend. Ann and Sherry are avoiding him so they show up late after hanging out at Starbucks; Ann was supposed to be in charge. Sigh. i am surrounded by so many people i love and adore and who i know adore me, i feel confident in the village i have helping me to raise this baby.
March 10th

Amy moves back to Illinois
March 17th

David gets picked up for a concealed weapon and released being told if he can keep his nose clean for 30 days no charges will be pressed.
March 26th

i narrowly miss being hit by a car; my messenger bag takes the brunt of the injuries
March 29th

We start on Lil Miss's room, let the clouds roll in!
April 7th

Today is all sorts of wrong that i don't tell people about.
A very drunken David shows up at the apartment, we'd arranged to talk previously when he was sober, end result? i have a knife held to my throat by the father of my child, before he will leave he tries to force himself on me, i manage to kick him down the stairs, he leaves. i hope this is the last of things. it is also the last time i'll kiss or have any sort of adult physical contact for almost exactly two years
April 10th

the night terrors and nightmares i expected to show up at some point finally do, they remain with me off and on for about a year, i wake up in a cold sweat and a minute later David sends me a text message threatening to commit suicide.
i call immediately, because that's who i am, i talk him into coming over so i know he won't hurt himself, he paints clouds on Lil Miss's wall, they are violent and i later repaint over them.
April 15th

i talk David into getting some counseling, he seems so optimistic, he says to me- "Only two more days of looking over my shoulder, then we'll have nothing to worry about, I want to be in your life, I want to be Minnow's father, I want to be a good person, a positive influence, most of all, I want to be OK."
April 17th

things still seem to be going well, i have plans to go to the beach for the weekend and take maternity pictures! i even ask David if he will take a few so that lil miss has them for when she is older. he agrees. i tell him i have to be at work then it's off to my parents since we want an early start on the coast, but that i will respond as much as possible to his texts, especially as he is supposed to call the court today to see if they have dropped the charges. sadly my phone dies at work and i am unable to respond, by the time my shift is over and i get home there are dozens of messages that start out fine and then he starts questioning everything, the messages end up psychotic.
David threatens my life and that of my family, i hurry to my mother's, the threats continue, i call nonemergency to let them know about the threats and they tell me to call back if he actually shows up.
He does, the short version is the cops arrive, he pulls a weapon on them, is slammed to the ground and taken away, i watch the whole thing from a window, tears in my eyes, and holding my stomach. this is not how my world is supposed to be.
April 18th

i am forced to file a restraining order, my day at the beach has been ruined, my life is not anything i ever expected it to be, the state presses charges for me. i am not happy. but i press on and let very few people know what has happened.
April 20th

my last day at work before the baby!
April 26th

Sherry returns and accompanies me on my postponed beach trip, i know this has to happen, the baby is due so soon! i have a great time and the pictures turn out wonderfully
End of April

i get Colby as a very temporary housemate, the time we have together is wonderful and does so much good for my head, heart and soul.

Despite all of the David drama and hurt that happened from march until may the big thing that remains with me is how very, very, very lucky i am to have such wonderful and amazing friends in my life, i am so very appreciative of them, even of the ones who have since vanished by the wayside.